When it comes to her ex, it’s all of those things.
His physicality is one part. That encompasses his size (in her words, it’s perfect), his stamina (for the most part, H and I make love, which doesn’t require all that much stamina, with him it was that half of the time and the other half spurts of against-the-wall-pound-your-brains-out moments), and simply his body (H is manly men, which I can’t really give her, and her ex is the epitome of masculine–muscular but toned, broad shoulders and jaw, the kind of person you’d expect to see on a hunky teen drama.)
His personality is another part. According to her, he can be really dominant (which she loves, at times) not just in bed but in life. His ability to push her is another thing (during the months of their break-up, he knew exactly what to say to charm her into “one last night” over and over again), along with a more naturalistic part of him. I don’t know exactly how to say it, so I’ll use a word she used once. He’s a “neanderthal”, because he takes what he wants and is a bit relentless when other people say no to him.
She teases me sometimes with the image of him being a cave man raider and me being a helpless villager–he plunders and takes his prize, and I can’t do it because of what I lack in my physicality and personality. That probably also plays into growing out her hair and teasing me about not using protection. With him, she reverts to her inner cave woman, and forsakes all modern day novelties. And that’s something she hasn’t really felt with anyone else.
- M
It was a borderline moment for both of us. It all happened in sort of an intoxicated haze, but after talking and playing with the fantasy for a while, we decided to just throw caution to the wind and try it.
I knew about it beforehand and knew where she would be. It happened at a hotel with someone I’d never met before, but someone she’d wanted to sleep with for a while. For privacy reasons, I won’t say exactly who it was, but I will say it was someone in a position of power over her.
It went well for the most part. She went down on him, he did the same for her, and they had sex twice. In H’s words, he wasn’t the best she’s ever had, but she did enjoy it.
When she came home we were more tentative instead of turned on. I’d already masturbated to my heart’s content by that time and was coming down, so it was more a moment of reassurance than anything. We both got naked, laid in bed, and just talked about it for a long time. Eventually we did bring each other to one last orgasm for the night then slept. The next day the same. In bed or around our apartment suite, just lazy and talking.
She never slept with him again. It was something they agreed would be a one time thing, and I’m sure he was more afraid than she was of anyone finding out.
Thanks for the ask, and maybe I’ll append this to the history page in case anyone wants to know in the future.
- M
Yes we do, as I think any rational couple does. For the most part our limits overlap, although at times they’re ambiguous.
One of H’s limits is that she doesn’t want emotions involved. After high school she had a few “relationships” (although that’s a tentative word) where she was in a state of almost perpetually falling for a number of different men. However, they weren’t willing to or capable of giving her the care and affection, love and attention she needed (which is why our relationship works out; I give an excess of it, she needs an excess of it.) So in order to avoid that, she won’t play with the word “love” when it comes to other men. All of that blurs when it comes to her ex however–she’d never leave me for him, but the thought of her falling for him again is something that both scares and excites us.
One of my limits for H is that she never be tied up. It’s something she’s wanted to try in the past with the men she’s met, but for safety reasons is something I can’t condone. The same goes for me not knowing where she is when she plays–I always have to know, and we have to keep in constant communication (at least every hour or so) just to be sure. Her physical safety is my top priority. The ambiguous part for that is when it comes to me. She has a few fantasies about tying me up to a chair and gagging me while she and someone go at it, so we keep that open as a possibility.
Being completely candid, we aren’t sure where most of our limits lie. Both of our families and friends are a hard limit. We don’t want them to know. That’s partly why we started this tumblr, to help explore and push the envelope, to communicate honestly with strangers in a safe space, because that’s the only way we can find out how much is too much.- M
I do like being in power with M most of the time. I don’t know why it’s just more thrilling for both of us and it feels… right. I don’t know how to put it into words but it feels more natural or honest for who we are.
When it comes to other men I would say I like it when instead of me giving the reins they just take them. Of course I have limits but for the most part I want someone who knows what I want deep down and just gives it to me without me having to ask.
That’s part of the fantasy for us too. We like talking about pushing our limits and “another man taking me from my boyfriend” is a big thing for both of us. It gets M more anxious and excited than anything else and it’s the weirdest thrill for me too. It’s probably most evident in our talk about me maybe seeing my ex again… M knows I’m all hormones and brain chemicals whenever I was with him and I was with him for years so he knows my cycles, what buttons to push and when, etc. That’s a big thing for M and it’s definitely one of the deeper points of play for us.
But so to answer your question… yes I do feel more dom with M and more submissive with certain other men.
- H
Well, if you’ve read our story, you’ll know it was a rather forced thing for us. She cheated, and we had to talk about our relationship because of that.
But I had fantasized about her in that way long before that moment (back in highschool, in fact) and that gave me a long while to figure out what turned me on and what I wanted. When we finally started talking about it, it just sort of came out. I told her I was into it, and things got a little physical, and ended in sex. To be honest, we weren’t entirely sober, and it just felt like things got out of control because we had no idea where our relationship was going.
That started things. Don’t get me wrong, we definitely had doubts. I didn’t want her to think that I thought of her in only one way (she had slept with a few guys before we started getting close as friends) and I didn’t want her to think I was a pervy freak. She was really worried that I was only going along with it because I didn’t want her to leave (which wasn’t untrue) or as a way to cope with her cheating.
The truth is, the only thing that makes it work is communication. Once something happens–she cheats, or you both roleplay a fantasy in bed, or you see something in a movie together and you discuss it the day after–that’s when you know if both of you can handle it or not. But, at least in my experience, it is rather tricky. If either of you closes up, then you could lose the possibility forever (especially if the other partner keeps pushing.)
So: introduce the idea, don’t push, and let her figure out if she’s into it. Communicate, and if she decides she’s not into it, let it drop. You can’t change what she’s into just as much as she can’t change what you’re into.
- M
p.s. It definitely is a constant process once you begin. Even now, we talk things through to test our limits and reassure each other.
H hasn’t slept with a ton of strangers (we’re mostly afraid of her safety), but the first time it happened was the biggest. There truly is nothing in the world like knowing the person you love just slept with someone else.
When we were lying in bed and she told me about it after, it was one of the most intense moments I’ve ever felt. It was a cocktail of emotions–jealousy and angst, horniness and need, comfort and love, and ambiguity. We were tentative about it, talked about it, and I will admit I felt a little guilty the next morning. It took a lot of reassurance from both of us that nothing was going to change between us.
Strangely though, the biggest thing I’ve noticed is just an emotional closeness that we didn’t have before. We communicate more and are more open and honest about things (partly through necessity, partly through who we are as people) and I think that comes from coming out of that first night (the “crisis moment” we like to call it) on top.
It certainly isn’t for all couples though, and it took us a long time to even get to the point where we could talk about it seriously and begin planning.
- M
Well, since you answered dozens of our questions, the least we could do is repay the favour, right?
M’s biggest fantasy is probably what he mentioned in his last caption: seeing H with her love/hate ex. (Although love/hate-fuck ex might be more accurate.) He gets turned on by the jealousy of that fantasy more than anything else, and it always shows when H mentions it in bed.
H’s biggest fantasy changes every now and then, but the one that gets her going time after time has always been risking pregnancy. She isn’t on the pill (she hasn’t been on the pill or other contraceptives due to a complicated medical condition, as we told you) and she’s not all that fond of condoms. So being with someone unprotected and not caring about what time of the month it is heats her like nothing else.
Although H has been a bit risky in the past, the second is mostly fantasy.
We’re currently thinking about the first. But if we do bring her ex into the fold, we’d do everything to mitigate any threats to our relationship. We’re not really worried though; we communicate endlessly (we learned our lesson after breaking up and not talking things through) and we both feel secure with what we have.H finds something in M that no one else has ever given her, and M feels the same way about her.
- M & H