Well, if you’ve read our story, you’ll know it was a rather forced thing for us. She cheated, and we had to talk about our relationship because of that.
But I had fantasized about her in that way long before that moment (back in highschool, in fact) and that gave me a long while to figure out what turned me on and what I wanted. When we finally started talking about it, it just sort of came out. I told her I was into it, and things got a little physical, and ended in sex. To be honest, we weren’t entirely sober, and it just felt like things got out of control because we had no idea where our relationship was going.
That started things. Don’t get me wrong, we definitely had doubts. I didn’t want her to think that I thought of her in only one way (she had slept with a few guys before we started getting close as friends) and I didn’t want her to think I was a pervy freak. She was really worried that I was only going along with it because I didn’t want her to leave (which wasn’t untrue) or as a way to cope with her cheating.
The truth is, the only thing that makes it work is communication. Once something happens–she cheats, or you both roleplay a fantasy in bed, or you see something in a movie together and you discuss it the day after–that’s when you know if both of you can handle it or not. But, at least in my experience, it is rather tricky. If either of you closes up, then you could lose the possibility forever (especially if the other partner keeps pushing.)
So: introduce the idea, don’t push, and let her figure out if she’s into it. Communicate, and if she decides she’s not into it, let it drop. You can’t change what she’s into just as much as she can’t change what you’re into.
- M
p.s. It definitely is a constant process once you begin. Even now, we talk things through to test our limits and reassure each other.
H hasn’t slept with a ton of strangers (we’re mostly afraid of her safety), but the first time it happened was the biggest. There truly is nothing in the world like knowing the person you love just slept with someone else.
When we were lying in bed and she told me about it after, it was one of the most intense moments I’ve ever felt. It was a cocktail of emotions–jealousy and angst, horniness and need, comfort and love, and ambiguity. We were tentative about it, talked about it, and I will admit I felt a little guilty the next morning. It took a lot of reassurance from both of us that nothing was going to change between us.
Strangely though, the biggest thing I’ve noticed is just an emotional closeness that we didn’t have before. We communicate more and are more open and honest about things (partly through necessity, partly through who we are as people) and I think that comes from coming out of that first night (the “crisis moment” we like to call it) on top.
It certainly isn’t for all couples though, and it took us a long time to even get to the point where we could talk about it seriously and begin planning.
- M
Well, since you answered dozens of our questions, the least we could do is repay the favour, right?
M’s biggest fantasy is probably what he mentioned in his last caption: seeing H with her love/hate ex. (Although love/hate-fuck ex might be more accurate.) He gets turned on by the jealousy of that fantasy more than anything else, and it always shows when H mentions it in bed.
H’s biggest fantasy changes every now and then, but the one that gets her going time after time has always been risking pregnancy. She isn’t on the pill (she hasn’t been on the pill or other contraceptives due to a complicated medical condition, as we told you) and she’s not all that fond of condoms. So being with someone unprotected and not caring about what time of the month it is heats her like nothing else.
Although H has been a bit risky in the past, the second is mostly fantasy.
We’re currently thinking about the first. But if we do bring her ex into the fold, we’d do everything to mitigate any threats to our relationship. We’re not really worried though; we communicate endlessly (we learned our lesson after breaking up and not talking things through) and we both feel secure with what we have.H finds something in M that no one else has ever given her, and M feels the same way about her.
- M & H