Well, if you’ve read our story, you’ll know it was a rather forced thing for us. She cheated, and we had to talk about our relationship because of that.
But I had fantasized about her in that way long before that moment (back in highschool, in fact) and that gave me a long while to figure out what turned me on and what I wanted. When we finally started talking about it, it just sort of came out. I told her I was into it, and things got a little physical, and ended in sex. To be honest, we weren’t entirely sober, and it just felt like things got out of control because we had no idea where our relationship was going.
That started things. Don’t get me wrong, we definitely had doubts. I didn’t want her to think that I thought of her in only one way (she had slept with a few guys before we started getting close as friends) and I didn’t want her to think I was a pervy freak. She was really worried that I was only going along with it because I didn’t want her to leave (which wasn’t untrue) or as a way to cope with her cheating.
The truth is, the only thing that makes it work is communication. Once something happens–she cheats, or you both roleplay a fantasy in bed, or you see something in a movie together and you discuss it the day after–that’s when you know if both of you can handle it or not. But, at least in my experience, it is rather tricky. If either of you closes up, then you could lose the possibility forever (especially if the other partner keeps pushing.)
So: introduce the idea, don’t push, and let her figure out if she’s into it. Communicate, and if she decides she’s not into it, let it drop. You can’t change what she’s into just as much as she can’t change what you’re into.
- M
p.s. It definitely is a constant process once you begin. Even now, we talk things through to test our limits and reassure each other.