Thank you and I’m glad you feel comfortable enough to send us an ask.
The truth is… I’m not exactly sure of it myself. I don’t get off on hurting M as much as I do teasing him and flaunting my sexuality around him. But as I said in a previous post I think on some subconscious level I actually may be sadistic in that I get aroused when I see him emotionally anxious and all of that. It’s fun and the sex is its own reward but something both M and I have noticed is that I do get considerably more turned on when we play (talk and think) around things like me denying him sex or forming a strong emotional connection with someone else (and at our most extreme… me even physically leaving him to have a more intense or permanent sexual relationship with another man). But even though it gets me hot as I said I can’t explain it. But can anyone out there actually explain why certain kinks turn them on while others don’t?
So yes I guess it’s a bit of both. Sex with other men (and recently especially with my ex) is incredible for me… but so is hurting and betraying M to some extent too. I can’t explain either of them but having them both together can feel intoxicating. It’s like adding your biggest turn on/kink to your second biggest turn on/kink. it makes you hot on a level that goes through the roof even if you don’t know why. Couple that with my kinks for submissiveness and that feeling of “falling for someone” which is actually a very real possibility now with my ex… it doesn’t just go through the roof… but the stratosphere as well.
Maybe that just makes things more confusing but I hope it helps.
- H