H has been a non-stop rub-and-tease-‘til-we’re-both-a-mess insatiable woman lately. I woke up last night to find her fingering herself and moaning his name and a bunch of trigger words. And when she saw I was watching, she replaced one of her hands with mine. She pressed my fingers into her and kept going. I’ve never felt her that wet.
And that’s the essence of this for us. To get so worked up that sex with her ex is not only a hot thought but an inevitable pleasure for her. To let her body communicate unabashedly what it wants, and to act on those desires despite any societal restrictions. To let our minds indulge those dark spaces, to embrace those trigger words and take control of them.
And that’s why we play with “love.” That’s why we play with “dating”, “ex”, “betrayal”, “cheat”, “unprotected”, “risk”, “bare”, “intimate”, etc. Those things are mostly fantasy (she has no plans on leaving me, she has no plans on loving her ex the same way she loves me, and her ex knows that) but we like the feelings associated with them. They’re taboo and wrong. And that turns us on.
So no, H won’t ever “love” her ex. She’s beginning to have an emotional connection again, she feels excitement and the flutter of infatuation, and her body floods with chemicals and hormones when she’s with him, but that’s what we want. That’s something we want to play with.
Not love, but the acts and feelings associated with it.
- M