writersailor
asked:
I suppose those questions were so generic as to be almost unanswerable. What I mean to say is, how does it feel for H to have one love reinforce the other so potently? As you get swept up by the ex, are you thinking about M? When you fuck him is M on your mind?

M’s love for me is what enables our relationship in the first place. If we didn’t have a solid foundation in our relationship it wouldn’t feel so exciting to do things with other people. On the one hand there’s the whole “being bad” and betrayal aspect of it which makes it hot to think about… but it’s the fact that I know I can cuddle up with him and tell him anything at the end of the day that makes it work. Like a friend of ours on here said… it’s a constant battle of risk and reward. The risk is something that turns us on. But at the end of the day I don’t actually want to fall in love with someone else or get knocked up or leave M or anything like that. I want that feeling of risk without actually ruining anything.

I actually don’t think about M that much when I’m with my ex. For one thing my ex has a bit of a seductive personality where you just forget about anything that exists in your life but also the whole risk thing comes into this as well. If I think about M two things happen: I get turned on picturing him at home masturbating and feeling like he’s losing me and getting super angsty and jealous but also super aroused which makes me aroused in turn… but I also think about the reality of how close this is to me when I actually cheated and hurt him. And sometimes at that point all I want to do is cry and go home and make love with him (which is something I actually allow myself to feel sometimes after I’m with someone else… it’s like aftercare for BDSM people because it’s super emotional and loving).

So there are usually a toss-up of feelings for me when I think about M. And it’s hard to tell what I’ll feel more on a given day: the excitement of risk or the reality of risk. I don’t think I could ever lose M and I would never want to… but in the back of my mind sometimes I get anxious because I think M might realize how much of an unbelievably amazing person he is and how much of a crappy person I’ve been to him for so many years without even thinking about it. And at that point I just want to do anything I can to show him how much I love him.

It’s definitely a complex mix of feelings which again is why communication and a strong relationship are so important.

Thanks for the ask!

- H